Girlfriend. Ex-Girlfriend. Best friend.

When I broke up with my girlfriend, we decided to shake hand and stay friend; best friend that is.

Now I realize, that was the hardest and stupidest thing to do.
I started out with her as friend and we kinda fell for each other, and for nearly 3 years what we call each other was ‘Sayang’. And it didn’t change. We just can’t. It would be too awkward calling each other’s name and we decided to let calling each other ‘Sayang’ stays.

So, up until now, we still call each other ‘Sayang’. And damn it is hard for me.
Plus, I’m still hanging out with her. Not just two of us; but with bunch of other friends too. It sucks seeing her because it made me feel miserable. She seems so near yet so far to reach.

I don’t know how to describe these feelings that I currently have but it is eating me alive. Still talking ‘happily’ to her like nothing ever happened and hung out at her house along with her parents; having lunch with ‘em. Still checking up on our pet cat named Baby (yes, I bought her a cat for her previous birthday). Still replying her text and still joking around with each other. Go along with her to the saloon to get her hair done (it seems that only I know how to tell the stylist how to do her hair). Like nothing ever happen. I made everybody believe that I am the coolest guy ever.

I feel like I still wanna hold that hand. I still wanna kiss that cheek. I still wanna say ‘I Love You’. I still wanna say the same thing when we are going to sleep, but we are best friends now. All of that are kinda inappropriate this time being. And now ‘best friends’ seems like it is not a good idea.

Some of times I wish that we had a really bad break up and we would just ignore each other and never to have spoken again.

Some of times I wish that I’m a player; cold hearted player and it would be easier for me to move on and have a lot of girls anywhere, anytime.

Some of times I wish she is dead. Because I’m better at dealing with death rather than losing someone you love to someone else; and seeing her every day, containing myself and restraining my feelings towards her. It hurts even more.

Some of times I wish I’m not a nice guy. It seems that that quote; ‘nice guys finish last’, it is true. So much of ‘what goes around comes around’, sound like a big lie.
Some of times I wish there is a person who would like to love a ‘classic’ guy like me.

Perhaps, I wish too much.


We hung out just last few days..as friends..

It’s just I’m bummed about everything that happened between me and her. And do you really think deciding to be best friends would be a good idea?

Well, it kills me inside.